Black Rose

[cobaltwolf92]

You sit alone in this dark place
Come out so I may see your face
I reach out and you shy away
You fear me and my peculiar way
You say that those who venture near
Shall suffer much and shed great tears
But I will not tary or refrain
I’ll grasp your thorns and bear the pain
I’ll keep you close so that I may
Tend to your needs in every way
For even a rose as black as night
Cannot survive without the light

[Midnighter]

That was so Beautiful, Amazing outstanding, waaah!!
Dude that was ill,

chills.....chills......

[Gillian]

You know, I'm going to put a disclaimer out here. I hate poetry. I can't stand it. I never have the stomach for it.


But, this. I like. I like it a lot actually. Too bad Hutch isn't here. He'd probably freak out. But, I do. I like this a lot.

There was one like that struck me as a bit unnatural:

Jan 22, 2009 20:11:36 GMT -5 cobaltwolf92 said:

I’ll keep you close so that I may
Tend to your needs in every way

but, other then this one, everything was awesome. I especially liked the last two lines. Very, very creative. I can tell you really thought through this one yet it still comes across as natural. Very, very cool!

[Midnighter]

Jan 22, 2009 20:11:36 GMT -5 cobaltwolf92 said:

For even a rose as black as night
Cannot survive without the light

that was my favorite line

[athornontherose]

I liked the idea of this poem overall. The imagery and meaning behind it were incredible. However, your lines tended to go out of meter, which is a pretty common error. And I can't help it, but I've always hated that typical AABB rhyme scheme. I think that this type of poem might work better in a free-verse style. But that's just me.

[Midnighter]

[shadow=purple,left,300][glow=purple,2,300]You bring up a good point, but the last two lines just flat out kill it (in the good way)[/glow][/shadow]

[Dan]

athornontherose has a point (what's you actual name? I feel silly calling you by athornontherose) with the AABB scheme. Usually it's over used and when applied with a very clean rhyme scheme, can seem very childish. However, not all AABB schemes are bad. Some of the lines in this poem, like the one midnighter (name too please) and Gillian mentioned were quite good in rhyming couplets. And after a few reads your poem does indeed have a pretty close meter: Da do dada, Da Do dada/ Da Do dada, Da Do dada

Perhaps one suggestion to clean up the meter a bit is to change "Tend to" in the following line to "Attend." It would sound like this:

I''ll Keep you close so that I may
Attend you needs in every way

Also, in the third line "I reach out," you could probably change that to just "I reach" and then add a comma, or perhaps a dash--something to signify a breath; maybe change "and" in that line to "but"?

I also don't like the word choice of "great " in "great tears." I know you need a word there to fit the meter, but great, to me, seems off.

[Gillian]

Jan 25, 2009 21:40:41 GMT -5 athornontherose said:

And I can't help it, but I've always hated that typical AABB rhyme scheme. I think that this type of poem might work better in a free-verse style. But that's just me.

Ugh, I hate free-verse poems. It feels like there's no effort put into it. You might as well just make a short essay.

Oh. That was kind of mean.

Well, I mean, what I want to say is that I like the rhyming scheme here. It's a good solid bit. There are a few lines that are rough. Dan pointed out a good one and I agree with his edit entirely.

Would you read this out at the next meeting, maybe? Or have someone read it for you if your not willing to? I would love for everyone to hear this. It's very beautiful.

[Midnighter]

[glow=purple,2,300][shadow=purple,left,300]Where'd all the good people go? [/shadow][/glow]