War

[Amry]

War

I feel dirty when I think of bombs
There are mushroom clouds mirrored in my eyes
And poison at my fingertips
To turn blood black with a single touch

I feel poor when I think of war
Sitting at the mahogany table and tapping
My toe on Italian tile and having
An emptiness in me, like a space for dollars
Cruelly spent and lives shelled out like dimes

I feel lost when I think of you
Your heart ten thousand miles away and fading
Your body airborne in aluminum fire and falling
With your eyes closed and no courage anymore
No shield for me to penetrate around you
And no skin left for me to touch



(Written in APUSH over three or four days. I... am not a poet. Not at all. Which is not an excuse for the quality of this; just a fact that makes it nigh impossible for me to decide if I like it for myself. Thoughts? I want to know how y'all intepret this...)

[Dan]

Poet or no, this poem is really good. I liked the three stanzas and how each beginning line set the tone--maybe theme rather--for the rest of the stanza. Your images were strong and your diction also kept to a war theme.

However, I don't understand who the speaker is. It almost seems as if the speaker changes in the third paragraph, and maybe a little in the second--from someone high up in the army who holds power ("the poison at my fingertips"), to someone lowly at home who mourns for the loss of a loved one ("your heart ten thousand miles away"). I guess the second offers a home-front appeal with the toe tapping on the Italian tile, but the very first stanza offers no real civilian clues. The audience as well seems to shift at the third stanza; the first two stanzas have just a general audience while the third suddenly shifts to the dead soldier. That transition was very sudden to me because during the first read, I didn't see the speaker as someone mourning the loss of her loved one.

This is an extremely good draft though. With some edits I see a lot that could come of it.

[cobaltwolf92]

I can see dan's point, the pov does seem to change for each stanza, but overall this is really good. you really shouldn't doubt your poetic ability. so far, every poem of yours that I've read have been far from terrible. I'd like to see more.

[Midnighter]

[glow=purple,2,300][shadow=purple,left,300]I understand what they are trying to say, but I think you were trying to portray a person in a war pondering many different things simultaneously. The speaker is the same one person, but they have a lot on their mind. I see what you may have been trying to do and if so, it is an excellent way to portray the mind of a worried soldier who dislikes war. Brilliant! I want to see more. [/shadow][/glow]

[Amry]

Thanks so much for the feedback, guys! It helped a ton. I'm working on another draft that develops the ideas in the poem more and transitions better between the stanzas. Thanks so much for the crit on the changing speaker; that's what was bugging me the most.

If you notice anything else before I do another draft, feel free to tell me!

[Gillian]

What point of view is this poem in? Someone fighting in the war, someone working in the science aspect of the war, someone watching the war? Having that established, I think, will really help with the message of the poem.

[Midnighter]

[glow=purple,2,300][shadow=purple,left,300]Where'd all the good people go? [/shadow][/glow]