Mavericks

[Dan]

It's interesting, although I can't really say much until you post more. As far as grammar goes, I couldn't find any outstanding problems.

[Dan]

You laid out the scene well. I could see the warehouse in my mind.
I also like the names you chose for your characters. They sound original.

Mar 18, 2009 20:19:35 GMT -5 Midnighter said:

In an abandoned warehouse standing on the west side of Manhattan, a trailer of money hid inconspicuously as police cars zoomed by, sirens blazing.

This sentence isn't grammatically correct, I think. In the part: "a trailer of money hid inconspicuously as police cars zoomed by, sirens blazing" I believe the verb "hid" isn't in the right form. Don't use "was hidden though", see if you can keep the sentence active.

Technopathy. Sweet.

[Midnighter]

[glow=purple,2,300][shadow=purple,left,300]Where'd all the good people go? [/shadow][/glow]

[Midnighter]

[glow=purple,2,300][shadow=purple,left,300]I went back and edited some of the grammatical errors so read through and tell me whats good. ;D[/shadow][/glow]

The warm summer sun shone lightly on the busy street of Manhattan, the sound of car horns and bustling pedestrians filled the air. A young boy around 16 walked coolly through a crowd of people, gliding through avoiding any contact. He wore a long white coat with slight flare at the bottom, a black t-shirt underneath, and a pair of white and red rave pants. His spiky white hair and dark African skin drew the stare of countless eyes.
[glow=purple,2,300]I knew this was a bad idea.[/glow]As he slowly approached a four way intersection, he nervously checked the silver wrist watch on his arm as he stopped at the crosswalk. The digital read-out blankly flashed 3:07. As people around him waited to cross, he grew more anxious.
[glow=purple,2,300]We were lucky the truck was late, but now she’s just pushing it.[/glow]As the light turned, an armored car slowly drove toward him only to stop at the light in front. Stepping the aside to allow the people behind him to pass, he moved to where he stood only a few feet away from the truck.
[glow=purple,2,300]Come on where is she![/glow][glow=green,2,300]Chill out Mason! This takes time.[/glow]The sudden voice in his head startled him, almost making him jump.
[glow=purple,2,300]At least warn a guy before you start jumping into his head like that.[/glow][glow=green,2,300]Well next time relax, I got this.[/glow]Mason stared intently at the light, counting the milliseconds of each second. The light quickly flashed green then returned to red as did all the light in the intersection.
[glow=purple,2,300]Well it’s about time[/glow]With a sigh of relief, Mason moved in to execute his part of the plan. As horns of angry and confused drivers blared, he casually sauntered over toward the armored car, dark blue flames from thin air slowly taking shape in his hand. Onlooker watched frozen with fear as he grasped a sword in his hand. With one quick stroke, invisible to the untrained eye, he severed the link between the truck and its trailer. The light was a constant red, as bystander ran every which way in terror. Suddenly, Mason noticed several police approaching in the distance.
[glow=purple,2,300]“Oh boy, here we go again”[/glow][glow=blue,2,300]Not quite[/glow]A girl dressed in clothes similar to his appeared beside him and in a small flash of light they vanished without a trace, along with the trailer of money.


In an abandoned warehouse standing on the west side of Manhattan, a trailer of money hid inconspicuously as police cars zoomed by, sirens blazing. Sweat trickled down Mason’s nervous face, as the sirens’ cries receded in the distance.
“Good work Elie. Your timing was impeccable…” Mason began, but stopped once he noticed she was on the floor sitting against the trailer fast asleep.
[glow=purple,2,300]I guess she over did it.[/glow]He knelt down and kissed her lightly on her forehead.[glow=purple,2,300]Sleep tight little sister.[/glow]Stepping away from the trailer, he explored his new surroundings. Several boxes of different sizes and shapes littered the abandoned warehouse. The metal beams that held up the aged structure were disfigured and weak. Old factory machined gathered rust from the musty air. Careful to make sure Elie was never left his range of vision, he began to examine the ancient machines.
[glow=purple,2,300]Elie may not have picked a good place, but I’m pretty sure Lynda could make use of these dead machines.[/glow]“She sure can!” Mason whirled around just in time to see Lynda clumsily fall through a window that had lost its glass and frame. With a quick step and jump he was able to catch her in midair. After making a small hop off the wall, he land on a nearby box with a light thud, Lynda squirming in his arms and crossed her hands in defiance.
“Your fancy acrobatics weren’t necessary and I would've stopped myself from falling, thank you,” she complained as she tried to hide the glow of red overtaking her cheeks.
“Sure,” Mason hopped of the box and set her down, “What was I thinking.”
“You simply weren’t, as usual.”
“Don’t even start that with me,” Mason spat back, “If it wasn’t for you taking your dear sweet time with the stoplights maybe we’d be home by now!”
“My powers can only do so much deal with it!”
Mason just rolled his eyes, “Technopaths, ugh…”
“And another thi…” Lynda drifted off. Mason eyes were locked on the ray of sun diving through the window. The relentless heat from the sun outside and the solid concrete walls allowing little ventilation were causing the temperature to slowly rise like an oven, and he could feel it. Mason threw a worried look at Elie.
“Don’t worry,” Lynda placed her hand on his shoulder, “she’ll be fine.”
Bang! A loud crash coupled with the squeal of tires was heard from outside.
“I’m more worried about us.” Mason moved toward Lynda as the sound of car doors quietly registered in their ears. “Good job, you were followed,” His sword began to form in his hand as he ran over to wake Elie, but before he could reach her the wall in front of them explode from an unknown energy, a piece of flying metal missing his nose by a hairbreadth. As the dust, cleared two silhouettes calmly stepped in over the rubble.
“This is gonna be worse than the police,” whispered Mason, his sword tightly gripped in his hand.


The two silhouettes sauntered over the rubble, their faces masked by the intense light that suddenly pierced the warehouse. “It’s good to see you again Mason,” the first figure spoke with a sly grin, his massive body structure made him all the more intimidating, “It’s been so long and you’ve grown so much.” He wore a black tuxedo with the jacket buttoned up and an embroidered “C” on the chest pocket. He took a step towards Mason but stopped as Mason’s sword suddenly swung dangerously close to his neck, the end of it crackling. Lynda kept her distance, uncertain of which one of the two was more frightening.
“Don’t talk to me like you’re my father!” Mason growled at him.
“Still having trouble controlling that beast aren’t you?” The second silhouette spoke up. Her long silver hair glimmered like silk in the daylight. “I could…help you, if you like.”
“I don’t need anything from you!” With a heave of his breath Mason hurled the sword at her scowling face. She carelessly deflected it as though it was a toothpick on fire, snickering at the look of horrific shock on Mason’s face.
“When did…” Mason began, but couldn’t finish before the man’s massive fist came plowing into his stomach, rocketing him backwards till he collided with the trailer of money, nearly tipping it over. The impact left him unconscious. Elie woke with a start at the sound as Lynda knelt down and put her hand to her head. It took Elie only a few seconds to realize the situation. This wasn’t the first time she chose to nap at the wrong time. She looked over at Lynda just in time to see the last bits of scavenged metal create Lynda an armored suit.
The man motioned too his wife and with stealthy precision and speed, she grabbed Elie from behind by her neck and lifted her clean off the floor.
“Elie!” Lynda screamed as she charged toward her, the ancient gears in her suit grinding loudly. She was about to attack but stopped as she realized she could do nothing without the risk of hurting Elie. Elie squirmed and gasped for air, but the woman wouldn’t let go.
“With this, we’ll take our leave,” sneered the man. Then, in a heavy puff of smoke, the man, the woman, and Elie disappeared.