Post by Dan on Feb 7, 2009 15:58:05 GMT -5
So I wrote a poem under showcasing called Friendship and I took into account some of the things you guys said. I spent some time today to rewrite the poem and here's the new rough draft. Any comments about what you like/ don't like that I changed, or any other comments about flow, rythem, and whether or not the rhymes sound forced would be awesome.
Friendship
My heart burns like fire,
But is not kindled so by your touch.
Its unquenchable desire
Is fueled by tinder more than such.
See you could dance, or you could sing
But what I yearn lies deep inside
Past all these waning worldly things
Past the flesh and all that dies.
It is a place where lust can never stalk
Through its guarded hall
And there, lies can never talk
They shan’t be heard at all.
It is a place built firm and strong
Through persistent trials; it never falters.
It’s built slowly, yet lasts long;
Something that time could never alter.
It is a simple, stubborn flame that I desire
Because then it will be perfectly clear
That the growing, burning fire
Was all lit from a heart sincere.
So keep you kisses and your hugs
When I have your friendship, I have your love.
Oh and here's a second poem I worte within the last few days. It's a little weird and still in its rough stages, but I'd like to know your first thoughts when you read it on who is/are the speaker(s)? what's going on in the poem? and what's the point?
The Funeral
“Will you come to my funeral?
Will you watch me die?
Will you caress me and remember
All our good times—will you miss me?
In the night, will you cry out for me
And beg for my soul to return?
Will you yearn—yearn for what was?
Yearn for what you gave up?
Yearn for what you died to?”
“I will. I will come to your funeral.
I shall be your executor—I shall be my own.
In my love I shall bring down the axe
And cut you from myself—I will be free.
I shall stand above your grave and weep—
I will watch you wither, watch the color pale
As you lay in that abyss and rot.
With my shovel, I shall place the dirt—
How so many see it as repulsive,
But oh! how I see it as cleansing.
I shall not forget you. No, God forbid I forget,
But with each swing of dirt, I give you up.
With each swing, I watch you die.
With each swing, I watch me die.
With each swing, I bury myself.”
[glow=yellow,2,300][shadow=yellow,left,300][/shadow][/glow]
Friendship
My heart burns like fire,
But is not kindled so by your touch.
Its unquenchable desire
Is fueled by tinder more than such.
See you could dance, or you could sing
But what I yearn lies deep inside
Past all these waning worldly things
Past the flesh and all that dies.
It is a place where lust can never stalk
Through its guarded hall
And there, lies can never talk
They shan’t be heard at all.
It is a place built firm and strong
Through persistent trials; it never falters.
It’s built slowly, yet lasts long;
Something that time could never alter.
It is a simple, stubborn flame that I desire
Because then it will be perfectly clear
That the growing, burning fire
Was all lit from a heart sincere.
So keep you kisses and your hugs
When I have your friendship, I have your love.
Oh and here's a second poem I worte within the last few days. It's a little weird and still in its rough stages, but I'd like to know your first thoughts when you read it on who is/are the speaker(s)? what's going on in the poem? and what's the point?
The Funeral
“Will you come to my funeral?
Will you watch me die?
Will you caress me and remember
All our good times—will you miss me?
In the night, will you cry out for me
And beg for my soul to return?
Will you yearn—yearn for what was?
Yearn for what you gave up?
Yearn for what you died to?”
“I will. I will come to your funeral.
I shall be your executor—I shall be my own.
In my love I shall bring down the axe
And cut you from myself—I will be free.
I shall stand above your grave and weep—
I will watch you wither, watch the color pale
As you lay in that abyss and rot.
With my shovel, I shall place the dirt—
How so many see it as repulsive,
But oh! how I see it as cleansing.
I shall not forget you. No, God forbid I forget,
But with each swing of dirt, I give you up.
With each swing, I watch you die.
With each swing, I watch me die.
With each swing, I bury myself.”
[glow=yellow,2,300][shadow=yellow,left,300][/shadow][/glow]